When cancer strikes a family, attention naturally focuses on the person diagnosed. They undergo tests, experience the effects of treatment, grapple with bodily changes, and face uncertainty about the future. Their needs remain the most important aspect of the treatment process. However, this doesn't mean that the disease affects only one person. A diagnosis can also profoundly impact those around them—a partner, parent, adult child, sibling, or friend. Loved ones don't experience the disease in the same way as the person with the disease, and their experiences shouldn't be equated. However, they may be going through their own crisis, often less noticed by those around them. Today, we know and have no doubt that in the face of a diagnosis, support should be available not only to the person with the disease but also to their loved ones.
Illness can alter roles that previously seemed obvious. It's natural for family dynamics to shift. This change can occur gradually, but it can also be abrupt. A significant responsibility arises, often without preparation or clear information on how to properly provide care. Not only are the number of responsibilities and the time devoted to care significant, but also feelings of loneliness, uncertainty, and a lack of confidence in one's skills. The relationship itself also changes. Treatment and care arrangements naturally begin to dominate daily life. Conversations about work, plans, interests, and shared interests give way to questions about test results, well-being, and upcoming visits. A loved one may begin to miss their former relationship and simultaneously feel guilt over this longing.
Power that has its price
Loved ones are often expected to be like rocks. They are expected to maintain hope, remain calm, find the right words, and cope with everyday life. Sometimes, they themselves believe they shouldn't express difficult emotions because they aren't the ones with the disease. Consequently, fear, helplessness, anger, or sadness are often hidden. A loved one may fear that their emotions will further burden the person with the disease. They may also be told to be strong, not give up, or think positively. However, the need to constantly control emotions doesn't make them disappear. Tension can manifest itself in irritability, difficulty sleeping, difficulty concentrating, somatic complaints, or chronic fatigue. These are responses to long-term stress and overload. Many people try to function as before for long periods of time, adding more treatment-related tasks to their daily responsibilities. Supportive caregivers may gradually abandon rest, social relationships, and activities that previously helped them regain balance. They postpone their own tests and limit contact with others because they lack the time or don't want to discuss the illness again. It can be particularly difficult to believe that rest is a form of neglect. A loved one may forgo going out, sleeping, or spending time alone because they fear that something important will happen or that the sick person will feel abandoned.
The experience of loved ones isn't just sadness and anxiety. Anger or frustration may arise from being constantly on alert, a lack of support, or a sense that others don't understand the true scale of the burden. These emotions don't indicate a lack of love or commitment. Rather, they indicate that a person has found themselves in a situation that exceeds their current resources. It's possible to care for another person and still need rest, boundaries, and support.
Supporting a companion during illness is not undertaken at the patient's expense. Support can mean a conversation with a psycho-oncologist, participation in a support group, family consultations, or conversations with the doctor and medical staff, which will allow for a better understanding of treatment and the scope of care. Practically dividing responsibilities can also be crucial, defining who handles transportation, shopping, contact with the hospital, children, and administrative matters. Maintaining at least some personal space is also crucial. Sleep, rest, work, social relationships, and short-term activities unrelated to the illness are not selfish—quite the opposite! They are part of protecting the health of someone who lives under stress for long periods of time. A loved one doesn't have to prove that their situation is difficult enough to merit attention. They don't have to wait until they're completely exhausted. Their experience is different from the patient's, but it remains real and valid.
Illness can change the way we experience relationships, understand responsibility, and think about the future. It can also reveal boundaries, needs, and values that previously remained unnamed or unnoticed. Recognizing these changes doesn't diminish the focus of the individual with the illness. Instead, it allows us to see the family's situation as a whole and provide support to those who haven't received a diagnosis but are navigating this time with their loved one.
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Author: Katarzyna Binkiewicz, M.A.
