Supporting a person in crisis is a challenge. In reality, no one teaches us how to provide such good support, taking care of ourselves and the person being supported. The words that often come to our minds result from certain hackneyed, socially repeated phrases and sometimes we say them automatically. We often say them with good intentions, and they often result from our internal need to react – I have to say something, I have to somehow disenchant these emotions, I have to, I have to, I have to….
We have prepared a small collection of phrases that are worth being very careful about when saying to loved ones. It is worth remembering, however, that what our loved one needs is very individual and words that will be closing off closeness for some may be motivating for others.
▶︎ "Don't cry"
Often the natural reflex is to want to “stop” crying. There is nothing wrong with tears. They are necessary, they often bring a sense of relief, they are in a way our primary regulatory mechanism.
▶︎ "Everything will be fine"
You don't know how it will be and no one expects such promises from you. Rely on what "now" - what you can do. Instead, say: "I am with you", "You can count on me".
▶︎ "You have to be brave/you have to be brave"
Why? Isn't the experience of cancer itself a difficult enough challenge to expect our loved ones to be brave? Cancer is a crisis, a health crisis, in which we have the right to experience all the emotions that come to us.
▶︎ “You see, you could have gone to the doctor sooner”/ “You could have taken better care of yourself”
Suggestions that our loved one could have "tried harder" or could have prevented the disease in the event of receiving the diagnosis are hurtful and in no way can help here and now. The only thing they can bring is a sense of guilt and frustration.
▶︎ "You don't look sick at all"/ "You look great"
Many of these phrases are said with good intentions. Patients often emphasize that such words make them feel as if they are “diminishing” the experience of the disease and the treatment process.
▶︎ "It's just hair - it will grow back"
For some – just hair. For others – all hair. For others a symbol of femininity. In any case, hair loss is a loss that may need to be mourned, grieved, experienced within oneself and sorted out in one's thoughts. Such words will not help, instead you can say "I see how difficult it is for you, I am there".
▶︎ "You have to think positively"
There will be times when our loved one will think positively, there will also be times when it will be difficult for them to find strength and hope within themselves. This is completely natural, because oncological treatment is an emotional sine wave dependent on our somatic and emotional state, on what is happening around us, on what information we receive from doctors.
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Author:
mgr Katarzyna Binkiewicz
