Asking for help is an act that can be difficult for many of us – even in a situation such as a cancer diagnosis. Despite often feeling helpless and afraid, many people are not ready to ask for help. The foundations of the difficulty in asking for help can be both psychological and social factors.
We are afraid to ask for help, so as not to show our weakness. We are afraid of being judged, and sometimes we are also afraid of rejection. We live in a culture that promotes strength, independence, and self-reliance. These are the traits that are socially valued. Quite often, asking for help for some is also associated with a sense of loss of control. Shame and guilt that we burden others with our problems make us struggle within ourselves and try to cope on our own. When we hear the words "You have to be brave” we feel that we really “should” be brave and cope. Sometimes the difficulties with asking for help are related to our assertiveness and inability to take care of ourselves, sometimes also to low self-esteem, which affects our beliefs about asking for and accepting help. Sometimes it is also, in a way, an escape from responsibility, when we feel that others should give us this help, even though we did not ask for it.
The most important thing in asking for help and accepting help is precisely this openness to "accepting". It is standing in truth with yourself and recognizing: yes, I need another person. Because asking for help is not an expression of weakness. It is the highest dimension of strength. It is the awareness that there are situations in which I need others, I need their presence, support and it does not belittle me - it does not belittle my resources, competences. It is an expression of awareness, care and responsibility for my life, as well as an expression of courage in communicating myself and my needs to others. We are social beings and both the need for help and giving it have huge benefits for us.
How to overcome barriers to asking for help?
🔷 Name your needs – very often we have a problem asking for help because we are not really able to identify and name our needs well. If they concern emotional support – listen to your body, be attentive to your emotions – the answers are often there. When do I feel good? When do I get frustrated in the relationship? What am I missing? Make a list of your needs. Both those related to the relationship, but also those related to other needs – physical, logistical, financial, etc.
🔷 Build your support network – find people in your environment that you trust, with whom you feel safe and with whom you can be yourself authentically. If you do not find such people in your environment – it is worth seeking support from a specialist, you can also look for support groups or use the help Foundation.
🔷 Communicate your needs openly – it often happens that we try to ask for help indirectly – using various kinds of allusions or we explode with anger. This often happens because we suppress our needs by not communicating them directly. When you identify your needs, you will name them – say/write about them directly. Believe that for the people who are nearby and want to support you, this will be an important message, giving specific instructions.
🔷 Work on your beliefs – remember that our actions or lack thereof are very often connected with our beliefs on a given subject. Tell yourself that asking for and accepting help is natural, that there are situations in which each of us needs other people around us. And just as you were probably ready to help your loved ones in many situations, they can help and support you.
🔷 Be prepared for rejection – and don’t take it personally. The fact that someone is unable to offer you their help is not information about you. We don’t always have the resources to support. Open, friendly communication gives us the space to talk it through and find other ways out. That’s why it’s so important to build a support network.
Cancer is a challenge that requires both emotional and physical support. The treatment process itself is a challenge. Do we need to put on the strongman's armor during this time? Often, wearing it is even more of an effort than experiencing the emotions themselves. Strength is the ability to take care of yourself, and taking care of yourself also means using support when you need it.
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Author:
mgr Katarzyna Binkiewicz
